Spring Cleaning There’s a feeling in the air that I want to clean up all the old stuff. That includes things, habits/systems and thoughts. I’m knocking out the most mindless todo’s that I’ve had on my list for a long time: clean the office, the closets, ditch old clothes, maybe tackle the garage. Feels like…

Read More Spring cleaning; Lev turns 5; more notes on fear

Access I now have 4 aligned oncologists all in agreement that I’m in complete remission. It’s not clear how this happened. There are several competing theories that I won’t go into here for purposes of brevity. I think the most likely explanation is that first line was effective in killing the scary stuff. Then, by…

Read More Decompression

Oncologist: Are you ok? Where are you? Ari: (panting) Sorry. I’m out of breath. I just ran up a hill. You’re calling 20 minutes late and I was getting really anxious – had to burn some energy… Oncologist: Well I have your PET results. Excellent news. The scan shows there’s no metabolic activity at this point.…

Read More As if a dream

Bruised  Every morning for the past month I’ve gotten out of bed feeling like I was beaten. My back takes a very long time to feel close to normal. I’m constantly stretching and twisting it waiting, hoping for some vertebrae to pop into position. Regardless what the cancer is doing (something, nothing) there is still…

Read More To Kauai!

Visiting colleagues & getting back to physical health I biked to SOMA the other day for the second time since diagnosis. It felt great to do my work commute, if only to convince myself for a few minutes that things are back to normal. Also it was good to see I could still do it!…

Read More Getting healthy; more fear of progression; nightmares

I’m slated to get these scans done early march. That is, unless I ‘feel symptoms’. Simple, right? There were three symptoms specifically that I noted just before my diagnosis last year: blockage (constipation, due to the tumor’s location in bowel area), a specific kind of dull back pain due to the tumor pressing on nerves…

Read More Symptoms?

The fear and anxiety come in waves. Most of the time I’ll feel fine. Them BAM!, that cold rush of reality overcomes me… I have cancer! And I can tell my mind wants to go in that direction, to charge with that energy. It’s like a strong-willed child pulling a feeble adult towards the shiny thing. A…

Read More Creating pause