So many emotions flowing through me as I prepare mentally for chemo treatment, which starts 8:45 am tomorrow…
First off, I consider all the things I won’t be doing much of for the next 6 months: no shipping products, no long runs, probably not much energy to handle the little ones, likely not a lot of focus for deep study (but I’ll try), no awesome meals because my taste buds are shot, not much socializing because I’m immunocompromised, etc.
But I choose to focus on what I will be doing. For now my singular focus is on healing. I’ve mentioned before that getting cancer is like a great wind of clarity. As the distractions, myriad possibilities, dreams and fantasies blow away in the urgency of battle and I ask, what’s left? What is that purpose that sets me on fire and will provide meaning for the remainder of my days beyond this bump in the road? Will it change from my current vista?
Battling cancer is a form of training. But this is not a competition with others, rather it’s the purest form of gaining mastery over myself, body and mind. In that regard it does resemble long-distance running.
So what’s great about this? I get to connect with people on a different level with a new awareness. I get to really – REALLY – face my demons, my mortality in a way I likely wouldn’t have for decades. You might say facing it later would be better. NO! In ignorance we (ok at least I) sleepwalk through this precious life. I’d submit the ultimate clarity of our purpose on this great sphere comes in our facing death. So what’s great about this is I get to face my fears now, head-on. And I will move past them. I’m hopeful that will make me more grateful, and less fearful human moving forward. I’ve always found there to be an incredible power in humans that find this clarify. Perhaps I’ll join their ranks.