This Tuesday I’ll go in for a CT scan. We need to compare this scan with the original from before the start of treatment. This will tell us if the chemo is working. At one point my oncologist mentioned that it’s possible there are different cell types, some of which might show resistance. I actually don’t want to know all the details of how this can go wrong. As with most things in life there are fewer ways in which things can go right and countless ways in which they break. For now I’m not interested in probing (what I hope are) low probability rabbit holes and freaking myself out. There’s nothing I can do about it anyway. Let’s stay positive!
In Judaism the holiest day is Yom Kippur – the day of Judgment in which it’s said that G-d determines who will live and who will die in the upcoming year. It’s an extreme mental construct meant to shake us out of our glazed-over walk through reality. And this test does bear some similarities in terms of what it brings up for me. Is this crazy path I’ve been on having the intended effect? Or is there yet something else lurking in the weeds? I’m doing what I can to visualize success and at the same time prepare for the worst case – whatever that might look like.
And while I’m optimistic about the outcome of this test (as is my oncologist) I’ve been doing a great job finding new things to worry about. For example over the past week or so I’ve had a mild cramping and what I can only describe as a fluttering sensation around the area of the tumor (kind of like when your eyelid spasms due to fatigue, but in my abdomen). I find myself holding those areas, as if clutching the uncertainty helps. It’s weird because I’ve been thinking that this tumor has been shrinking – so why am I suddenly feeling it? When I sleep I try to place my hands on the area and visualize the tumor melting away.
In lighter news we’re prepping for halloween. The other day we carved a jack-o-lantern, got costumes for the kids, and visited our local pumpkin patch. I may try to get out to walk around. I think I’ll be be Heisenberg from breaking bad – good way to justify being in a crowd while wearing a mask without freaking people out.