This round has been brutal. The body and brain are not on the same page: brain wants to GO, body needs to rest. Body is winning. I can feel the cumulative effects of repeatedly poisoning myself. With a few exceptions I’ve been living life within a several foot radius of my bed though I have managed some coffee with friends, ‘workouts’ (moving my legs on a bike) and Hanukkah activities. I’m getting better about not adding a layer of psychological torment on top to make me feel bad about it. But I’m definitely not there yet. Lots of resting.
I’ve got what I’m calling PTS (phantom tape smell). Everything smells like sterilized medical equipment/medical tape though none is nearby and it is nauseating. At night I wake up basically every hour feeling totally dehydrated though my urine is clear colored. Not sure if this is this some mucosal issue or something else? My tongue feels like a dried out slug in a cave looking for moisture. So I get up and hit the bathroom to grab a sip of water. I stumble to the door in a mix of fatigue and severe aches. When I finish I grab some toilet paper. I blow my nose hard, one nostril at a time for maximum pressure. I examine the output on the white tissue canvas – Jackson Pollock!; red smears of dried blood mixed with yellow mucus (satisfying). I’ve done some variant of this routine for the past week, roughly 5 times a night. Feels like I’m broken.
Other ailments: my intestines feel like they are writhing at night, not really pain so much as discomfort (the drugs working on cancer? something else?) and I end up putting pressure by hand to relieve it; my calves and forearms cramp several times a day (again though I’m not dehydrated); the neuropathy is more severe than previous rounds – if I had to guess I’d say I have roughly 50% feeling in my fingertips; my neck and traps have also started sometimes seizing up on me as if somebody whacked me with a bat across the shoulders – makes breathing hard; everything tastes bad and bland – carbs seem to now have a filmy layer of slime that’s repulsive. No pasta! Generally speaking I’m moving at half speed these days.
Today I finished the last of the zarxio injections! At least that’s done. Time to dispense with my full sharps container.
Hard not to get anxious about these upcoming scans but I think I’m doing as well as possible to not think too much about it – not in my control. Looking forward to getting stronger from here.