…there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so…
– Hamlet
Improving one’s quality of life requires expanding the space between stimulus and response (I picked that up at a buddhist lecture years ago and it stuck). For me the tool for doing this is reflection of some sort. This can take the form of sitting meditation, which I love, but more typically occurs while walking, running, swimming in the freezing pacific ocean! Continue reading The space between
My brother Eli and I worked out earlier today at my local gym. I’ve been trying to get as strong as possible going into this battle so I have reserves to draw on. He had a great suggestion while we were doing heavy deadlifts to track this over time. Continue reading My quantified chemo-self
We think of quality of life in a physical plane. And it is to a large degree. But one thing to bear in mind is that feelings/emotions are the true value of the physical. Continue reading On quality of life
It’s kind of bizarre to ponder one’s mortality while looking at a sink full of dirty dishes and sippy cups. The contemplation of death (if you want to get fancy about it, memento mori) always seemed more tastefully done on some epic landscape than in the home. But I guess the idea of epic is what we make it. The power is in us to suffuse our surroundings with the nobility that is our human existence. We create reality, if we want to. Perhaps the hardest thing is to parry the deceptive mirage of the mundane with the noble truth of our mortality.
I’m finally done with my diagnostic tests. This week consisted of a CT scan, a PET scan and a bone marrow biopsy. Oh and a visit to the sperm bank because these chemo treatments basically ruin your swimmers (I’ll save that for a separate post). The doctor was great, numbing the area with lidocaine and having faith enough in me to skip any anxiolytic. That was fine with me but I think a mistake for him. I spent the next 5-10 minutes channeling the pain into primal screaming. You’ve got to envision the scene – I’m in a room outside the chemotherapy infusion area (it’s quiet) and yelling like like a Continue reading Diagnostics: the bone marrow biopsy
I did a tai chi class the other day. What struck me about this is a feeling of rootedness. You aren’t moving much, certainly not compared to running a marathon. That said there’s something interesting about mastering one’s own ‘frame’ as it’s called, basically what’s in arms reach. In Tolstoy’s how much land does a man need the protagonist seeks all this land/fortune, but in the end the punch line is: Continue reading controlled movements
I try to read when I have free time but lately I’ve kicked the fluffy stuff to the curb. Shits real! The other day I re-read one of the most powerful books I know, Man’s search for meaning. If you haven’t read it I highly encourage you get a copy (heck I’ll buy it for you – shoot me a note!). I’ve read this book probably 10 times and skimmed it many more. I like highlighting and Continue reading The waiting place – getting staging information
I’ve got a 10cm mass in my small intestine. The diagnosis is non-hodgkins lymphoma but I’m not sure what stage it’s in. This week will consist of another battery of tests to pinpoint the diagnosis: ct scan, pet scan, bone marrow biopsy (which I hear is awful). From there we’ll start discussing the treatment specifics. So far from my initial call with the oncologist I’m facing 6 months of chemotherapy, possibly with radiation. Continue reading Mass